Saturday, March 29, 2008

It is time...

Well, I have been gone for a while and I've missed you all. This past month or so, I've spent a considerable amount of time thinking. (I have yet to decide whether that is a good thing) Post break up I've been forced to reevaluate my life, and have been trying to get back to finding myself. Some where since high school, I've lost direction in my life. I'm not sure where along the lines that was, but it occurred none the less. I really need to work on attaining more direction. I've dilly dallied these last couple of years, and there's just no excuse anymore. The time has come to work on being a person with passion, a person with purpose, and a person with direction. I haven't been growing at all and am stuck in one place. This is not helpful nor conducive to attaining my life goals or dreams. I for see much soul searching in my future. I just can't stay stagnant like I have been doing because I know I'm not living up to my full potential. How I'm going to do this? I don't know, but I'm positive this isn't it for me.

As of right now, I made the decision to take some time off school to work on becoming more independent and to reevaluate my life. I'm not really sure I was ready for college right out of high school. I think I went because that's just what is expected of you today by society, family, and just in general. Now don't worry, I don't plan on never going back because I realize the importance of education. One can not thrive nor succeed in the modern world with out some further education. I just really need to take this time and determine what I want to do with my life. I believe, I was just waisting my time and money being in school because I wasn't succeeding at the present with out knowing these things. I've always said I wanted to be a biologist, but looking at it now I'm not sure if that's for me. I do love science and all but I'm not sure that that is what my passion is. So this is what I need to discover for myself. What am I passionate about and can I make a living for myself doing it? As of right now though, my goal is to find a better job, and hopefully move out on my own or maybe with friends. Once I am ready and have some sort of direction and more financially stable. I will continue with my schooling.

Now as for the break up and my romantic life, let's talk about that. It has been a little over a month since my relationship with Wes ended. It's been hard, but these things always are. Now, I believe I'm in a place of me. I don't really feel the desire any more to have a relationship most of the time. I think this has to do with the getting my life in order decision. I can't really be in a healthy relationship when I'm not truly the best person I can be. Really, how can I ask some one to love me when I am not sure of who that person is? I don't think it would be fair to myself nor the other person. Now this doesn't mean I am opposed to a relationship; I'm just not actively seeking one. If the a good guy came along and was good to me I would definitely infer further. For I have discovered that in life one can't force a relationship into being anyways. I have never had much luck when trying to find guys to talk to and maybe date when actively seeking them. From all the relationships I've had with any meaning, I did not meet these people by looking for them. They were either friends of friends or I had some sort of social network connection to them. Being in rural Ohio, I have resorted to finding love on the net via myspace, facebook, etc because it's hard to find gay men in my area otherwise. Though I believe this is my down fall. Let's face it, dating is hard, and there's a lot of crap out there. In the gay world it seems to be exponentially so. Not that I don't believe there's good guys out there, because I know there are. Just finding them is really hard to do. You have to wade through all the superficial, self-absorbed, and sex obsessed to find them. I just don't know if I have the energy for that right now, and what energy I do have I think is better directed towards my own growth. Maybe this is selfish, but I don't care. I think it's for my own good. Though I'm not giving up hope. I'm putting it out to the universe now. If the powers at be see it fit for me to be in a relationship then he/she/they will provide it for me. All I can do is work on myself for the moment and hopefully build some good chi.

All right onto to my first purpose of my blog: knitting! Though I have decide I'm going to start sharing more than my knitting, because I believe it will be helpful and maybe make me seem more personable. Also because it's my blog and I can do what I want.

I think my knitting slump has finally worked it's self out, or at least starting too. In the last month, I have finished the jelly bean socks for I was working on for my bff Sarah and given them to her. I also have casted on and off a pair of fingerless mitts for her birthday which was last week. Though they are sitting here waiting for the ends to woven in and maybe some embroidery, I don't know. I used the knucks pattern from with some teal, sport-weight, 100% alpaca by frog tree hill on size US4 needles. This was a very fast pattern to work up. I would say one can very easily accomplish a pair in a weekend if he/she worked continuously. It took me a little about a week or two picking them up and down, though I did finish the second one from start to finish in one day. Also I did a twisted ribbed cuff instead of the textured one in the pattern. I might have to make me some of these in the future because I like them much better than the one's I am using now because they have no fingers what so ever. Here are a few pictures of them:

I have also been working on my giant pi shawl inspired blanket, but that is just a got to project when I don't feel like working on anything else. I did work on the collar of the smokin' jacket by Jared Flood aka Brooklyntweed last week two. I only need to do the left side button band and collar and I think I'm going to shorten the sleeves a little by cutting and knitting back the other way in garter stitch. Then I should be done. I could have had this project done sooner, but I got bored with it for a little bit when I realized it might be too big for me. Right now I'm thinking it might not be as big as I thought it would be. Either that or I'm just getting fatter, lol. I also have casted on a cable sock of my own design in the teal frog tree alpaca on size four dpn's. I'm knitting these from the cuff down which I've only done a couple times. I really want to design myself a either a top down/bottom up seamless cabled raglan cardigan in this bulky acrylic yarn I got a couple months ago. A design that will probably be inspired by Cable Guy in Son of a Stitch N' Bitch by Debbie Stoller.

In other fiber news, I've been practising with my drop spindle I won from BuduR on MWK. I'm getting better at it. I think I'm starting to achieve some sport weight singles though they are still slightly thick and thin in places. One was spinning at my knitting group last Wed. and one of the ladies said she was going to give me some green roving she had and didn't want. She said she had tried spinning, but couldn't get the hang of it. I'm excited because I love green, and who doesn't love free stuff? Yay! Hopefully I can get really good at spinning too.

I recently discovered the knitting podcast gem that is Cast On by Brenda Dane. It is so inspirational and indie. I love the music she plays. I just can't help myself now going back through all the old episodes and listening to them one by one. Rock on Miss Brenda! I want to leave you guys tonight with a quote from one of her shows which I find quite enlightening and I'm going to start trying to apply to my life.

Begin as you wish to go on!

1 comment:

shelley said...

As someone who dropped out of college (pre-med) in my junior year. I can really understand where you are coming from. And even tho I have worked in the medical field ever since then (Respiratory Therapy - and Opticianry) I can't really say that if I went back to University that I would pick that field. I hope that you do find yourself and learn what it is that you really want to do with your life and that you find someone to share it with you. :-)